My Thoughts For Today

Well, I have dialysis tomorrow.  My wish is that I could have a vacation for a month from my dialysis, but I know it is my life now and I won't miss it unless I have no choice.  Started out with a tube in my chest, then a fistula in my right arm.  My goodness, how painful that was.   I barley started getting used to that when all of a sudden, it stopped workig and clotted and they had to put a graft in my upper left thigh.  Till that was ready to use, again, I had another tube in chest for that.  Was in hospital at that time in Wichita for 10 days and finally got to go home.   A graft in that area was so painful once they started using that area.  It took me a while to get used to it.  I had to use a Lidocain cream to help w/pain from needles.  On and off through the 14 months the graft has been used, it clotted quite a few times and had to go to Vascular Center in Wichita to get graft declotted.  I was trying to care for my Mother on top of all my own problems.  It got to a point that my Mother was in need of 24 hour care and we tried to get her help, but finally had to put her in a nursing home, which I felt guilty about, but was not takeing the best of care of myself and she did like it where I was able to put her and she understood why I needed to go that route for her and she worried about me till the end of her life.  4 days before she passed, she had to go to a Hospice House where she was till Aug. 28, 2011.   From there she was Creminated and we burried her ashes on Sept. 8, 2011 and had a nice graveside service.  It really was so Beautiful and I will never forget it.  Mother worried about all of us kids, which are 5 of us, but we all was able to give her permission to go when she was ready.   I and a couple other of my siblings promised her that I would be OK and taken care of when she was gone.  I told her I promised to stay on dialysis no matter what.  She worried about me for that, so I reassured her of that.  Living next door to her was good for me as I was able to go check on her several times a day.  She would call me and say, are u going to dialysis today or call me late at night and ask if I had dialysis in morning.    After she passed, I still expected her to call me.  I did find myself picking up the phone and calling her number and actually let it ring 5 times before I realized what I did.   It's hard, but she is in a much better place now.  She is in no more pain.  Mom is looking down on each and everyone of her family and she knows we will be OK in our own ways.  We were all so fortunate to have her for our Mother.  She was really fun and enjoyed life.  Well, I will close this post now and try to do more later.